Union Buildings

The worst toilets in southern Africa

Going through Cape Town International airport yesterday I again experienced the worst toilets in the southern part of Africa. Last time I was there I went to the departure lounge toilets. The toilet seat was cracked, the walls were greasy, the doors were covered with graffiti, and this in SA's premier tourist attraction. Yesterday was a similar experience. One toilet was permanently out of order: they had even fixed a long term notice onto the door to the effect that this one was out of bounds. Eventually I got into a cubicle to find no bog roll, cracked ceramic tiles, dented doors, and badly fixed pipes. Well so much for a recently revamped airport.

Pretoria traffic circles

Pretoria traffic circle protocol

Anyone who has ventured into Tshwane (formerly known as Pretoria) will know that the rules of the road change subtly as you drive into the capital. Usually this knowledge is only imparted to residents of the city in a gradual process of trial and error over a number of years should you survive long enough to figure it out. This protocol has been prepared for visitors to Tshwane to help you to understand the way to approach traffic circles or roundabouts in the city and suburbs.

Traffic circles are predominantly small and have an inverted yield sign with a roundabout symbol on it which is the legal indication that all previous knowledge and national traffic legislation should be suspended within the next half second as you catapult into your new experience. Many circles have speed bumps on both approach and exit, and the remains of mid-lane chevron signs destroyed in previous attempts to negotiate the circle. Watch out for broken glass, number plates, hubcaps, and large moulded bumpers in the road too. To help you decide which rules to follow, pay attention to these three simple steps as you approach a circle:

• If you can see the whites of the other drivers' eyes, then you are definitely in the Pretoria traffic circle situation. Loud and colourful shouting will also be easily audible across the circle.
• If you cannot see their eyes then revert to national legislation and common practice as it applies in other South African cities (except Nieu Bethesda).
• If you can see the other driver's pupils then you have probably already crashed and you should start again (we recommend you come back as the traffic cop who has to police these circles).

The following sequence needs to be applied in genuine Pretoria circles as defined above:

1. approach circle slowly, preferably with headlights on;
2. start casting your eyes desperately both left and right, and forwards (yield to the right will not cut it, as many have found to their detriment);
3. assess the relative speed of the other three cars approaching from their respective directions;
4. at this point make a very clear decision on whether to rush the circle at higher speed and thus trump the other three by getting to the line first, at which point proceed into circle, maintaining speed, and ready to flash signs as may be necessary;
5. otherwise, continue to approach slowly keeping your two eyes on the three cars and your hands simultaneously near hooter, indicator, brights, emergency lights, handbrake and vallium;
6. assuming that the other three cars are driven by courteous native born Pretorians, you now enter the mutual hand waving stage;
7. identify the best looking driver and wave them through ahead of you;
8. larger, luxury cars then get precedence (although they will normally have taken the course of action suggested in Point 4 above);
9. the most courteous person in the oldest car will then be free to enter the circle at their leisure;
10. when exiting the circle there is no need to indicate: the person in the circle has preferential rights to the use of the space in any way they wish for the duration of their stay, and this can include buying newspapers, dropping off or taking on passengers, or chatting to the tow truck driver waiting there for his next tow;

Traffic circles in Pretoria will be found to be the ultimate Zen experience requiring an artful combination of fearlessness, deep inner assurance, diffidence to a careful reading of subtle signs of social superiority, and relinquishing of self identity. The experience should be embraced, and not shunned, unless you are riding a bike, in which case don’t even try.

Mark's Intermittent Blog Spot

This auspicious day marks the launch of my blog. May it continue in perpetuity or die a quick death ...